The Case Of The Curse Of The Ruby Garnet - Part 1

Episode Overview
The Case Of The Curse Of The Ruby Garnet - Part 1 first aired as a radio play section of The Boisterous Bros. Anarchic Comedy Podcast #1 - The Priest & The Hotdog. This was to become a staple in the podcast series and the first of a 7 part story featuring private detective Hieronymus Swash and his manservant Mau Mau.

Synopsis
In this episode we are introduced to the crime fighting duo Swash and Mau Mau in their detective's office. After hiding in what is presumed to be a closet with a copy of the children's book Funnybones, Swash and Mau Mau are introduced to Lady Persephone, whom Swash apparently already knows of.

The case that Lady Persephone presents the pair is to find her stolen priceless family heirloom, a ruby garnet. For unknown reasons, she doesn't want to involve the police. Swash takes Mau Mau to one side to discuss the proposition and both are distracted when, behind their backs, Lady Persephone is kidnapped!

After realising what has happened and seeing two kidnappers flee in a two-door Buick, Swash and Mau Mau search Lady Persephone's handbag, which she must have dropped while the event occurred. Swash takes her wishes not to get the police involved to heart, as they piece together the clues and discover her last known location (apart from that very detectives office) was Luigi's lasagne. So they set off to look for clues, to find the ruby garnet and Lady Persephone.

Transcript
Join Hieronymus Swash and Mau Mau on an exciting adventure in:

The Case of the Curse of the Ruby Garnett (Part 1)

MAU MAU: Boss

HIERONYMUS SWASH: Mmm?

MM: Boss!

HS: I hate Big Skeleton.

MM: What?

HS: He’s always like “good idea, good idea”. I’ll tell you what’s a good idea, Big: if you fuck off!

MM: Boss, we have company.

HS: I think Little Skeleton could say anything to Big Skeleton and Big Skeleton would say nothing, other than “good idea”.

MM: Leave Funnybones inside for a moment and help me with this client.

HS: Someone’s here? For us?

MM: Yes, a lady.

HS: Wedding ring?

MM: What?

HS: What?

MM: What?

HS: Wedding ring.

MM: I don’t understand.

HS: Does she have a wedding ring?

MM: Oh. No.

HS: What did you think I meant?

MM: I didn’t hear you, I thought you were saying something about “where-ding-ring”

HS: “Where-ding-ring”? What does that even mean?

MM: I don’t know.

HS: Why would I say that?

MM: I don’t know, that’s why I was confused.

HS: Oh I see. Alright, let’s go and see her!

(Door creaks open and both enter the room where LADY PERSEPHONE is waiting)

HS: Good evening madam. I am Hieronymus Archimedes Swash: Crime fighter extraordinaire. And this is my assistant and manservant Mau Mau.

MM: Hello.

LADY PERSEPHONE: It’s a pleasure to meet you, I am-

HS: I of course know who you are, Lady Persephone Priscilla Telephone. How may I be of assistance?

LP: It's about a priceless family heirloom, a ruby garnet, taken from my own home not two nights ago.

HS: Why not go to the police?

LP: I'm afraid, Mr Swash.

HS: Please, just “Swash”.

MM: (Under breath) Oh my god…

LP: I'm afraid Mr Swash, although you have no reason to trust me, my reasons are my own.

HS: And you want us, of course, to find this missing Ruby garnet for you? Even though it, itself, may be stolen.

LP: I can only give you my word that it belongs to me and I have good reason not to go to the police.

HS: You make a good argument lady Persephone

MM: (Whispering) What?

HS: Allow me to talk to my assistant for a brief moment.

LP: Very well.

(SWASH takes MAU MAU to one side, unaware of the goings on behind them in the room where LADY PERSEPHONE is waiting.)

HS: Mau Mau, did you see that saucy wench, she's a beautiful.

LP:(Muffled) What the-?

HS: Like a duck with an orange in its mouth in a tray of citrus gravy.

LP: (Muffled sounds)

HS: Like a beautiful orchid-

LP: (Muffled) Help!

HS: -in a field of far less beautiful orchids. A magnificent swan with the finest… finest…

MM: Feathers?

HS: …Bed of pan-fried sage and garlic sautéed potatoes.

MM: You're hungry aren't you

HS: Immeasurably. Lady Persephone! We've… Lady Persephone?

MM: Look at the marks in the carpet, she's been dragged off.

HS: Dammit! No one in the hallway. Some dastardly villain took lady Persephone in a few moments we had our backs turned.

MM: Look boss, there she is. On the street being put into a car. It's a two-door Buick, I can't see the men's faces. Both around 6 feet tall, white, heavy build.

HS: We'll never catch them now, but look she dropped her handbag. If we rifle through it, we might find a clue.

MM: Shouldn't we call the police?

HS: Call the police? Don't be stupid, Mau Mau.

MM: I'm pretty sure we're legally obliged to call the police.

HS: (Mocking) “I'm pretty sure we're obliged to call the police”. Are we in the private dick game or the let's-call-the-police-like-little-bitches game?

MM: Again, I am won over by reason.

HS: Shut up and open it up.

MM: What are we looking for?

HS: I don't know, the Ruby garnet? Her home address?

MM: My god, who needs four bags of fishermen friends in their handbag?

HS: You don't know, maybe she has an ulcer, maybe she's rotting from within, maybe the refreshing blast of an aniseed mint is all she has, now she's only got half a kidney and a sickly liver.

MM: The only thing in here other than scratched up toilet paper is a receipt from Luigi's lasagne.

HS: Luigi's lasagne?

MM: It's the alliteration that sells it, isn't it?

HS: That's the greasiest Italian dive restaurant in town.

MM: Greasier than Giuseppe's Gastronomic Bypass?

HS: Twice as greasy.

MM: Ugh.

HS: It's a sort of place taxi drivers go to when they've been kicked out of every other 24-hour food joint for shitting their pants. The sort of place with a constant queue for a seatless toilet.

MM: Like Vibs in Mexico City!

HS: Exactly like that, Mau Mau.

MM: (Reading receipt) “One small glass of Chateau San Agustin Michele and a frankfurter mascarpone”.

HS:That must be her, quick Mau Mau. To Luigi's!

Join us next time for another exciting episode of The Case of the Curse of the Ruby Garnet